Yahweh Ez-Lami (the LORD my strength is in lamy!)

n got up on sunday? monday? can't remember except that he was determined to get a sponge bath. the getting up process is intense and so far johnny is the only one who can do it safely. unfortunately, he had a bad spasm when the physical therapist was here yesterday. not her fault; they were actually showing her how he gets up and something went just a hair off and pow... he had to go back down...carefully. that was discouraging. he thinks he walked around too much the night before. we did get a shave in.and a hairwash courtesy of the cho and rocko salon. we saran wrapped his port air tight and then put the trash bag over his head and i taped all around his neck in a neurotic way. we had rugs and towels all over the floor for padding and then dumped nice pitchers of warm water over the tired man. cho gave him the gentle head massage knowing how much pressure not to put on a person's spine from her own experience. things i would never have thought of. we were both eager to get our fingers in that hair and scrub. it had literally been weeks since he'd had a hairwash--he'd only done it once in a while with the port. then i poured generous amounts of warm water over his scalp until cho had to tell me that's enough. i have itchiphobia. then i did the spongey cuz that's the wife's job. his feet turned blue so i had to speed it up, dry him off and get him dressed so his dad could walk him. not even i can walk him at this point. it is impossible to paint an accurate picture of how non-stop it is here. it feels like we are soldiers who have to keep going, but don't want to. it is not war, but it is a battle. some days i lose it emotionally and mentally... more often than not, but then God picks me up again and again. "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," is a Bible verse in the book of Philippians by Paul-- a man who suffered a lot on every level so it's not just anyone declaring this. a man on an airplane on my trip to new mexico in 2005 (before i lived here) gave the verse to me and said he felt it would be very important in my life. i knew the verse, but now i am knowing it. i'm not getting through this because i am strong. i am so pathetic and feel so sorry for myself and am so weepy and whiney and CRABBY and sulky most days, and quite frankly anyone would be! dang. it's just too much. it's only through Jesus that we are making it... barely it seems, but with blessed assurance of his strength to fall apart upon.

"When my heart was embittered, and I was pierced within, then I was senseless and ignorant. I was like a beast before you. Nevertheless I am continually with you; you have taken hold of my right hand. With your counsel you will guide me and afterward receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you, and besides you I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73: 21-26

waiting is hard.