IVs and semi-automatics

shortly after arriving in s.f. we found a clinic where n could get his weekly IVs. a number of times, and especially lately, he hasn't been able to get to the clinic. God has blessed us, however, with a very gifted nurse named sudarshan who drives to our house from the clinic to hook a brother up. his arm veins are pretty dried up so he goes in through his feet. not an easy feat- hey!while the IV is running sudarshan chills on the lounge chair and talks to tubbery. sometimes he brings his lunchy and they review their mutual love of art, history, art-history, music, cultures, medicine, memories, martial arts, spiritual matters, and of course, fire arms. sudarshan has been a big blessing to us. he is a fascinating and amazingly kind person. we are very thankful God has provided his skill and friendship at this time in our lives.

speaking of shooting pistolas...

recently i took a class called "pistol shooting: first steps for women," or as N and sudarshan like to call it, "girls with guns." heck yes. this i did with my boss and some co-workers and a neighbor (hils was signed up, but couldn't go because her knees were really bad off so our neighbor took her spot). why did we do this? why not!

but if you need a reason besides wanting to ride on horseback brandishing our pistolas with the sun setting behind us, most of us did it because we felt vulnerable about being around guns. it was an opportunity to put some holes in our fears and prejudices (N insists i put that and is rifling off -uh, oh- a list of destructive metaphors).

the instructor was NRA certified and all about safety. it was extremely enlightening and frightenly easy. hence the emphasis on safety. i enjoyed loading and shooting the 22 revolver, as did most of the other mujeres. however, my neighbor alex was so handy with the semi-automatic that the male instructor wanted to put her on his all female NRA shooting team. go alex oakley!

here i am with the semi-auto. target shooting. it was really amazing learning the fine points of lining up sights to make consistent shots. N is pretty proud, even though it was only a 22. when he saw my target page, he said in a bland voice, "that's good." but i say...

....we will not die like dogs, we will fight like lions!

ruedas (wheels)

what i didn't mention (being still in shock) in the last post was that n had fallen a few days beforehand and has been in a wheelchair ever since (over two weeks now). he slipped on a throw-rug in the dining room and twisted landing face down on his hands and one knee. he hadn't been able to walk until a couple of days ago so it's been extremely intense on every emotional and physical level around here.

we are still going to wait to get the x-ray and/or MRI as his sternum is healing up well on its own (as is the typical case). we are very thankful for that. his knee only swelled a very little and the doctor did not think it was broken, but maybe that the ligaments or tendons got pulled. we will hopefully be able to get n in the car to check it out in the next few weeks. as of only a few days ago, n has started to shuffle around in his REI moon boots i got him years ago. this is a huge step for all of us! he also got himself in the shower last night, which shocked me, since he had been waiting for me to come in and help him. it was his second shower in three weeks and he'd been trying to get my help all week, but i'd been getting home too late. he threw down the towels on the tile and just went for it. that was another amazing leap that has given us all a glimmer of hope.

wally has been helpful for the most part, foregoing her precious afternoon naps by n's side. she does not seen to be intimidated by the wheelchair, but she runs when she sees that oxygen tank turning the corner. funny gal.

my mom, a.k.a. franco, came for a week and was an incredible help lifting n in and out of bed several times a day, helping him on and off the toilet, up several times a night, etc. etc. she was full of God's grace to help in a desperate situation. there has not been a single hour of down time for any of us since this happened, but it's getting a little better each day as n is literally taking strides towards more independence.

you really don't know how much it takes to care for a person until they lose the ability to do even the simplest things like put on socks, grab a plate out of the cupboard, turn on the sink, move a around a corner or through a doorway. multiply that by a number of other major and minor tasks and you don't stop moving. i imagine having kids is similar. you are always waiting for the next thing and your day is scattered into constant interruptions. lots of people says illness is always hardest on the caregiver, but i totally disagree. it's very trying, but i don't think i could endure the patience, emotional strength, and physical endurance it takes to wake up everyday feeling sick and dependent on others. not to mention losing my ability to walk and get things for myself. i am grateful to be able to hustle into another room and grab something. n now has to plan ahead or wait until the right time to ask someone to wheel him through the narrow doorway to get his glasses etc. he is humble and patient beyond words.

i was an emotional mess while my mom was here, but i think it was good for me. she was a great friend and mom-in-law to n, also. they played crosswords at each meal. n's newest diversion since he can't swim or walk or get much needed relief in any other distraction. he's had an AMAZING attitude! what a man.

johnny flew back in the night before my mom headed back to CA. i don't have words to say how johnny and hilary are caring for us, but it's been incredible. johnny is the absolutely most amazing caregiver for his son, and all of us really. he allowed us girls to have a few hours out together which was pleasant... i think. can't actually remember, but i know i just love my two mommas very, very much. i am blessed with an amazing family. i just wish i could see my franco more often!!!

thank you, everyone, for your kind words and prayers on comments, emails, facebook etc. regarding the last post and our 5 year anniversary etc. it means a lot to hear from you. what a miraculous journey it has been. i praise God for another year with my beloved husband.

where my help comes from

"i will lift up my eyes to the mountains; from where does my help come? my help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." psalm 121:1-2
today my mom forwarded me an email reminding me of this- one of my favorite psalms in the bible. i read it to n tonight before bed and we know it is true because jesus is true and helping us beyond what i can explain.

things have been very difficult this month. nathanael fractured his sternum about 3 weeks ago and we've been running on the survival treadmill ever since. he has osteoperosis so this was done merely getting off the toilet (since you're probably wondering). his dad flew out a couple days after it happened and has been here much longer than he'd planned during his busiest season of the year. n hasn't been able to lay down or get up without assistance. those first days hils taught me the trick of pulling and laying down someone by stabilizing them in a sheet. this she learned from her days at the convalescent hospital. i don't know what i'd have done if johnny and hilary weren't here. johnny has been a hero to us and has taught me much on every level of caring for a person. it hasn't been easy at all. there's been so much heartbreak and physical exhaustion-- i've had a nervous breakdown and cried a lot, but each day we all get up and find that God's grace truly is sufficient for us. i've had to take quite a few days off work and my back has been bothering me a lot (i have a degenerating disk in my low back that i have to be careful of) so johnny has had to take over all of the lifting and shifting of n. we are both up a lot at night to help him go to the bathroom. my mom is coming tomorrow to stay with us for a week and we can't wait to see our franco. i'm also taking a week off since my students are on spring break. God's timing is good. johnny will go back to loads of work and rescheduled appointments. i told franco to put on her nursing cap and bring her weightlifting brace. she said she's ready so i know God is already filling her with the strength she will need.

this is about all i can handle explaining for now. it's been VERY intense and exhausting and i've only told you half of it. all i can say is that i feel the nearness of God and a peace which surpasses comprehension all about us. thank you for your love and prayers.

gimme a C!

attention: italian cherub travels from modern rome, a,k.a san diego, and emerges from ancient pueblonian kiva!

clara, clarey, clarabelle has been johnny and hils best friend forever and forever will be. she's like another mama to us and she's simply the best. if you haven't met her you are missing out on the cutest, sweetest, most loving human we've ever known. seriously, it would take me a long time to think of a poem to describe this most dynamic and wonderful woman. i'll just let the pictures tell the story...

she brought a lot of crap! but we love her anyway...

there was lots of dress up as we unpacked the 6 or so suitcases she brought for 3 days of visiting. some italians aren't much for minimalism. ella le ama mucho el belagio y las vegas.

wally got a little stressed out.

clara even wore socks with my name on them which she kindly left to me along with a tiara under my bed, kerchiefs on my pillow, a silk flower on my mirror, and a satin slipper under my sink. i think she's my fairy godmother!

we took clarey to the pecos monument. here are the two cutest friends ever in my opinion. daily conversations went a lot like this...

hils! get over here!

no!

rocko. get me a _______ (insert electronic device), 4 triple A batteries, a plastic bag, and the card with the picture of my dog who died that i sent hils 2 years ago.

uh, okay...

just go in her room and look for it. don't answer anyone's questions.

okay, clarey. but--?
don't ask questions. remember- CIA, rocko. just do it.

okay, i'll try.

don't say you'll try! just do it!

when she wasn't bossing us around she enjoyed taking in nature. she got up every morning to watch the sunrise. she only disturbed one neighbor on the first morning as she jazzercized and sang with her ipod in the dirt circle at the end of the road. she thought it was a little more secluded than it actually is here. no worries, clarey.

clara's favorite part was gettting to spend time with n. she loves n like one of her own 4 sons and was very honored to give him a leg massage. n said he's never had such deep tissue work on his legs and with such a generous amount of lotion! clarey said that she's never been more humbled than being around nat, as she affectionately calls him.

there really isn't anyone like clara. she is a wife, mother, sister, auntie, and friend like NO OTHER. she kept us laughing in a parade of outfits and stories filled with humor, italian drama and an endless series of props continuously emerging from her bra area. this along with sincere passion and great faith about everyone and everything she talked about.

what would we do without our dear friend? she is truly the cutest person in the world who showered us with unforgettable love, inspirational speeches, endless complements, fiery encouragement, scores of memories, and a killer 4 course italian dinner with candlelight and forced freedom from the kitchen for an evening. not to mention she also left behind a giant, inflatible agility run for the dog and myriads of other trinkets, videos, and photos tucked around the house to remind us of our queen of friends.

ciao, bella! we love you!!!!!

kitchen chez freak

here's a little something the senora daggett and i whipped up on my day off last week. yah, those are key limes being squeezed with pliers. we spend a lot of time wondering how cooks and gastronomes of the ages have pulled off any kind of tastey meal without spending a lifetime in the kitchen. any insights?

i wrapped the tamales and it was pretty fun and relaxing. we were preparing food in honor of the cutest person in the world who happened to be coming to visit us that weekend. stay tuned for a report in the next post.

the tamal: one hoja filled with masa consisting of harina, cornmeal, fresh roasted corn, mucha mantequilla, fresh roasted poblanos y jack cheese and a filling consisting of fresh ground lamb with sauteed onions, habaneros, roasted pasillas, NM red pepper flakes y red chile powder, pine nuts, raisins, cumin, cinnamon, cardamom etc. we also made goat cheese filled ones with mint and three chopped peppers. results were less than thrilling and we can't figure out why. we've done it before with my mom franco on our trips to the sierras, and they've been to die for, especially with homemade mole! theory: we had to freeze the tamales for a few days and the masa lost its fresh corn flavor, if it ever had any. maybe the traditional use of lard/manteca preserves better. as we all know, fat tastes great almost any time. note: the red sauce rocked and the key lime pie was amazing and decadent with a gingerbread crust and fresh whipped cream. so much so that johnny d. ate all of it without any recollection. he kept asking for it the next day and all we could say was, you ate it, dude!

they do look pretty. very different from the mass production my gramma bamma does. we only made 30, whereas she makes like a 100 or so, which freeze beautifully for the whole year. i really wonder where diana kennedy gets her ingredients. lucky woman!

wally thinks we are still the smartest people in the world. as long as your dog still respects you, everything's going fine.

hot wally sees loretto chapel

actually hot wally had to stay in the car looking baaaaad. she only saw the chapel from the outside and that was quite enough. when you are this cool it is best to lay low...

...and lick your chops. sometimes dressing up makes wally sleeeeeeeeepyyyyyyyyyy!

dear gramma bamma, i finally went inside the famed loretto chapel and saw the miraculous windy staircase. it's beautiful in there, but that german guy sure ruined it with those nasty barristers... excuse me, i mean banisters as my brainy husband just informed me, although there were probably many lawyers involved in supervising the construction defect litigation for this otherwise miraculous edifice... jutting off from the sides! we got a book on it called the sisters of loretto and their chapel which looks very interesting. for those who haven't been keeping up with "unsolved mysteries," the loretto chapel was built in 1878 without access to the choir loft. woops! there was no easy architectual solution in such a small space so the sisters prayed and a mysterious carpenter showed up on dia novena of their prayers. he worked quietly for 6 months and the end result was a staircase with two 360 degree turns, without any center support and apparently no nails, just wooden pegs. architects are still baffled by it today. the carpentero disappeared without pay or thanks even though they sought for him in newspapers etc. since then it's caused a stir, but the woman who wrote this book, thinks she may have figured out who he was. we'll keep you posted. it's surely a sight to see.

thanks to that tenacious french archbishop jean baptiste lamy, this chapel was installed with stained glass ordered from paris. bravo, m'sieur lamy!

downtown santa fe is always full of visual stimulation like this mud-riddled jeep. someone was having fun!

hils and i had a nice break walking around downtown after dropping johnny off last sunday. then it was back to a busy week at work teaching and planning civics activities including a letter writing campaign to a NM state senator who is on one of the congressional committees working on the stimulus package. most students admitted that the economy was hitting them hard and they were happy to write letters in support of continuing their education. the letters were written by engineers, magazine and newpaper editors, mechanics, bakers, moms, teachers, and many who only finished 6th grade coming from all over the world. they all passionately want to learn english and get their citizenship, own a business, find an american girlfriend etc. it was a delight to read and send their stories to washington d.c.

as for my n, things have been rough. he has lost some weight so we're very concerned. he is still loving his physical therapy pool, and i am so grateful he has something that brings him joy. i know an amazing grace is upon us, but it's very intense. thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers towards us.

"the witness in the sky in faithful" (Psalm 89:37) just like Jesus. i trust Him and i am thankful for His nearness which is getting us through each day.

professor joffrey

all week the moon was doing lovely things: rising in fullness over the pecos valley at sunset, setting like a grand balloon over hills and highways as southwesterners drove to work, quietly crawling out of blackness over glorieta mesa in a radioactive yellow-greeness which reminded me of a wedge of cheese. the sky is always entertaining us here in new mexico, but this week i could barely keep up with all the tricks of earth's wonderous satellite.

one afternoon hilary and i took the dog on a walk at the "top of the world," as n likes to call it, which doesn't overlook more than a slice of lamy and the haunting and vast galisteo basin. they want to start drilling for oil there and there's a huge mix of emotions over it as it's a very historical area. we don't have mineral rights here in the wild west so it's a scary prospect. i'm sure it will all come down to money, but there are many activists fighting hard to preserve this dry and ancient land. we shall see.

we tried to hike down to lamy proper, but couldn't make it because of hil's feet and wally's legs. here is the lonely view of the basin; i don't know if you can see the tiny cluster of edifices that are "downtown" lamy, but they are there. it was the old railroad stop off for this area. many artists and easteners of the early/mid 20th century were deposited in lamy off long train rides then weathered rough roads to get to santa fe and ghost ranch to bask in the romance of pueblo culture, stunning geography, campouts on horseback etc. i can't say i blame them!

speaking of easterners drawn to the southwest, i received a voicemail one day from our dear friend, geoff, that he was to be in town leading a group of fellow drew ph.d. candidates on a two week journey through the southwest in a study of pueblo religions. of course he did not get to stay at a dude ranch like his intellectual compatriots of the past, but i picked him up at the best western and took him promptly to lamy. n greeted him with a huge hug and a detailed house tour, and was making great efforts to visit all night even though he was very tired. i know geoff appreciated it. in fact, one of our local pastors stopped by to pray for n that night (he and his wife do so as often as they can- they are another treasure to us!) and i know that helped him stay energized.

when g.p. first arrived i whisked him off to a walk with wally in hopes of decreasing her martyrdom for the evening. as you can see they were not quite sure of each other at first.

but they warmed up to each other.

especially when we got to talking southwest history and wally donned her special necklace replete with grizzly claws, old italian glass beads, a civil war button, and an arrowhead- a gift to n from our other history-loving friend jeffrey of glorietta pass. can't you just see tubbery in it?

geoff is such a dear friend to us. we treasure him like a brother and i can never forget how he helped me plan my whole homespun wedding! he, meag and mel worked behind the scenes buying and hanging japanese lanterns, tulle, and white christmas lights from the 50 foot high warehouse ceiling at our old church. to say the least! poor geoff. i think he will never plan another wedding. i know i sure don't want to. but n and i always reacall our wedding supper serenade from tim and him on guitar and violin singing one our favorite robert burn's tunes, sweet afton, with "roxie" sung in place of "mary." ay. as warren testified, there wasn't a female in the room who wasn't teary eyed that night for all the music and blessing of God in the room.

and what a blessing is our friend, geoff. for anyone else who treasures this fellow, you know there is no one else who will cook for you or help you complete a task with such sincere beads of sweat budding on his professorial forehead. like old friendships, it felt like only a few weeks had passed since we were having dinner together in tacoma. what a gift it was to see our delightful friend! we love you, geoff!